Well, that was fun….NOT

You’ve heard that saying that every day you should do something that scares you? Well, I’ve got that covered. I just returned from an audition. For a play. And it did not go well.

Arrgh.

Talk about embarrassing and demoralizing. Why would I do that to myself? Why? Because I’m just that stupid, I guess.

Let me tell you a little about it. Alpine Community Theater is putting on the play Seussical. ‘A play,’ I thought, ‘that sounds like fun. I think I’ll audition.’ So I got 16 measures of a song ready and memorized, and went over to the school.

Well, right off the bat the humiliation starts. They have everyone get a number, then take their pictures (not so bad just yet, right?), then you fill out the application, and then you go to the next station where they *measure* you. For costumes, they say. Well, if I wanted to get measured, I would go Curves (where they also measure you when you join). Height, neck, arm length, waist, bust, hips, inseam, shoe size, hat size, dress size. HOW FUN IS THAT? And there are tons of people there. Theater
people. Now, I must admit that back in high school I was one of those theater people, but I haven’t been around them for quite some time and I forgot how flamboyant some theater people can be.

They put us in a group of about 25, and took us into one of the music rooms to learn the dance. OH, let the humiliation continue. Did I mention that I’m not a dancer? Well, I’m not all that coordinated, and me dancing is really not that great to watch. Ugh. So, we learned a few minutes of a dance, and then she had us do it in groups of five. Oh, JOY of JOYS I’m in the first group. I was pleased that there were not all ballerinas and dancers there, and some people even looked as bad as me. But only some.

After we did that step, we moved on to another room where she was supposed to warm us up. We did some vocal warm ups and then we were each supposed to sing our audition piece, and she would give us a suggestion or two to get us ready for the real audition. One guy gets up and sings a fabulous song (Theater major at UVSC who doesn’t even live anywhere close to Alpine, by the way), and then someone comes in and says, “They’re waiting for people, so just send in the first 10.” That would be numbers 80-90, and since I was 86, that included me. So, no warm up, no practice, just go onto the stage for the audition.

We go onto the stage (the same stage where Natalie and Jenna had their dance recital last night, by the way), and hand the pianist our music, then sit back down and wait for instuctions. Ok, they say, let’s have you up and dance. We ran through the dance piece once, and then had to do it in two’s. OH MY HECK, WHAT WAS I THINKING? ‘Do the dance, don’t trip. Just do the dance and then you can get out of here.’ Positive self talk, you know. I did the dance. I maybe wasn’t the worst dancer there, but probably in the bottom 3, I’m thinking. And I’m so thirsty! Why didn’t I bring in a water bottle?

After everyone did the dance, we did our songs–the one thing I had prepared for. I was fourth to sing. I was singing “Think of me” from Phantom of the Opera. Just the first verse. I get up there and started, and somewhere in the middle I totally forgot the words. I kept singing, but it wasn’t pretty. It went something like… On that day, when I forgot the words, and you are far away and free….. Oh, yeah, let’s just let the public humiliation continue shall we? Even David Archuleta forgot the words, once, right? So I guess I’m in good company. I can’t really compare my voice to the others singers, because I know they were all nervous, too. I was better than some, not as good as others.

I did get a tiny moment to shine when they asked if anyone had circus-type acts, and I said, “I can do balloon animals,” and they seemed impressed for a second. I made the judges a weiner dog, and the guy with the great voice who can also dance did a back-flip across the stage. I felt very old and fat and out of place.

Finally we got to read lines, and we all turned to whatever page they said to turn to and read the part they asked. I got to read TWO LINES for Mrs. Mayor. Two lines! How can they find out anything about me from TWO LINES? I did put my whole heart and soul into those lines, but really, since I had already botched the song AND the dance part, I’m pretty sure those two lines won’t carry me to a part.

So, there you have it, folks. As we were walking out, a nice girl named Jennifer mumbled, “I think I need to go shopping,” and I said, “I hear you, girl.” The last time I went to an audition (for the bell choir 3 years ago), my friend Melinda and I went to lunch and shopping afterward “so that the day wouldn’t be a total waste.” I felt like I needed to go out to lunch and go shopping after, this, I’ll tell you what. I auditioned because I thought being in a play would be SO MUCH FUN. But auditioning? Not at all fun.

Luckily a friend invited Megan and I to a mother and daughter pampered chef party today. I can’t wait. I’ll see if I can bandage up my bruised and trampled self esteem enough to go to a party. And why, oh why, did I tell my neighbors I was going to take part in this stupidity? Oh, yes. Because I had to borrow some music from them.