I have been quite a slacker over here on this lonely blog.

I’ve been in kind of a funk lately. Just feeling a little bit down. A little bit sorry for myself. Not sure why and I’m not sure how to get out of it. It’s weird because I’ve been exercising and trying to eat right, too. Maybe that’s it. I miss my sugary treats. But I feel cheated when I do what I’m supposed to do all day, I go to bed hungry at night, even hearing my tummy rumble. But when that happens, I think to myself, ‘It’s ok. I’ll see a difference on the scale in the morning,’ only to wake up and weigh and see that I’ve gained half a pound. That’s not fair at all.

My daughter has a blog and she writes about the sad in her life. It’s depressing to read. I cry for her hurting, then I call her and she tells me she’s FINE, that it helps her to write, to get things out of her head. But still I worry. I want her to meet new friends. I want her to have a fun college experience. I want her to be happy. She’s so different from me, yet I understand her (well, sometimes). I was an insecure teen, too. I wrote many a depressing journal entry, trying to make sense of the world and my roll in it. Trying to find my way, wondering why I kept auditioning for things and not getting the role. I always kind of figured if I weren’t so fat, I would maybe get those roles. Or if I wasn’t so fat, maybe that boy I liked would pay some attention to me. I seemed to blame all the bad things that happened–all the disappointments, all the failures–on the fact that I was overweight. Poor fat cells, having to shoulder all the blame. What do thin, beautiful people blame for their failures? They must have something they don’t like about themselves that they blame for the things that don’t go perfectly in their lives.

The other day I got the sweetest comment on facebook. I had written that if I taught Kindergarten full time I would probably be a lot skinnier. No time to eat and constantly on the move. My friend and neighbor wrote, No one cares abt skinny. You are beautiful and talented and funny and sweet and giving. If you were also skinny, we would have to hate you. I don’t know, it might be nice to be hated, just a little bit. It made me laugh. And almost cry.

I really have the most awesome people in my life.

Instead of dwelling on the blues, I’ll tell you about the GREAT things in my life, my reasons to smile.
*Thanksgiving was GREAT. I love getting together with cousins and aunts and uncles that I don’t see often and catching up. My brother and his family also stayed with us Thursday night and Friday night. It was wonderful having them here from Arizona.
*Our Bells concerts went SO WELL. We had two concerts on Friday and Saturday before Thanksgiving. The hall was full, the music was great, the spirit was there. It was SO fulfilling to play all those songs that we had been working on for so long. My friend Janeen and I even stayed overnight in a hotel in Salt Lake Saturday night so that we wouldn’t have to do the whole drive home and then turn around and drive back thing on Sunday morning for Music and the Spoken word.
*Christmas preparations are in full swing. I’m picking out presents, got the tree up, and am on to decorating the house.
*My little chimes choir is doing quite well. They will play for our ward party on Saturday, then have the school concerts on Monday, and then they are done for the season. We’ll get a few weeks off for Christmas break (hooray for not having to be at the school by 7 am!) and then we’ll start up in January and get right into things with two basketball games to perform the National Anthem. One of them, when I was explaining things said, “Why do we have so many performances?” That made me laugh.

So, I’m going to get working on decorating my house for my favorite thing ever….Christmas. And I’m going to be thankful for everything I can think of. And I’m going to tell people thank you, and write some thank you notes and maybe do some service. Because I don’t want a blue Christmas.

(edited)…..Doing much better. Ward party great success. And PMS. Hmm. Who knew?