Category: Uncategorized (Page 1 of 118)

I’m still here. Poor neglected blog.
It’s been a bit of a hard year or two for me. Pretty much since turning 50 things have been hard. I had to leave the handbell group that I love and had been with for 14 years, I found out that my daughter was gay and I have had to try to deal with all the emotions that that brought up, my married son and daughter-in-law moved in with us (which is a blessing that comes with challenges), my dad had major surgery for prostate cancer, and my mom broke her leg, I’ve been working very hard to get my small community handbell choir going, and I have been sick a lot.

On the flip side, though, Ryan and I took a cruise with my parents up to Canada last year, then we got to go to Switzerland twice this year for business, and I went to Mexico with friends. I also started a new business selling Color Street nails, and our handbell choir performed 2 great (but small) concerts last year and it’s looking like we will have a good group this year, as well. I’ve done a few plays and met lots of great people. So, it’s not like it’s been all bad.

But this “going through the change” thing has been a big pain. I’ve gone to more doctor’s appointments in the past year and a half than I have in many years. I now have a chiropractor, a dermatologist, and a hormone specialist. And yet, somehow I just kept getting sick, and staying sick. I’ve been trying all kinds of different vitamins, trying to eliminate toxins and use organic things when possible, I’ve eliminated much of the hidden gluten, and even limited the amount of diary that I eat. Not helping. The last cold I’ve had has lasted for a month, and I kept wondering if I had a sinus infection because of the headaches and the constant stuffiness. Could this all be from allergies?

So, when I went to my doctor last month and we adjusted the bioidentical hormones because I still had no estrogen showing up in my test results, she also did some blood tests. But when I got the call that I needed to come back in to “discuss” my blood test results, I got a little worried. Sure, I know my cholesterol is not the greatest. While I lost 10 pounds a year ago, those 10 pounds have returned, and I haven’t been exercising like I should. Or, to be truthful…at all.

So, I went in yesterday prepared for a talking to about what I’m eating, etc. But then she starts talking about white blood cell count and inflammation, and in my head I’m thinking “she’s going to tell me I have cancer. I knew it was a brain tumor!” Ok, I know, I’m over-dramatic. Not a tumor. But I do have epstein barr disease (like mono)
with symptoms that include: extreme fatigue, fever, sore throat,head and body aches, and rashes.
OH, that explains a lot of things.
But, wait, there’s more.
I also have
Mycoplasma pneumoniae Infection.

“Mycoplasma pneumoniae is a type of “atypical” bacteria that commonly causes mild infections of the respiratory system. In fact, pneumonia caused by M. pneumoniae is sometimes referred to as “walking pneumonia” since symptoms tend to be milder than pneumonia caused by other germs. The most common type of illness caused by these bacteria, especially in children, is tracheobronchitis, commonly called a chest cold. Symptoms often include being tired and having a sore throat, fever, and cough.” Thank you, google.

I have probably had this pnemonia for at least 9 months, maybe more than a year. My body has tried to fight it off, but it’s not been successful.

Finally! A REASON for this tiredness. I’m not just a lazy bum, and this is not just “how it feels to be 50”. I almost cried when she told me it was treatable, and I COULD and SHOULD feel better. However, she did warn me that it will take a few months, and that I might feel worse before I feel better.

I’m SO thankful for this doctor. She is the kind of person that is willing to try different things and keep looking until we find an answer. I haven’t been to my general doc about this cold because I was pretty sure I would tell them I’ve had these symptoms for a long time and they would say, “you have a cold.” I’m so thankful that she LOOKED for these things in the blood test and that now I can hopefully finally get feeling better.

In the mean time, I’m going to try to “take it easy”. Which is funny because I was seriously going to go audition for a Christmas play tonight, and now I’m thinking it’s probably not wise to try to tackle one more thing right now. But instead of just feeling like I’m failing because I can’t keep up, I’m going to try to show myself some compassion, and allow myself to rest. And if someone asks me to bring in dinner for someone else, I can always say, “I probably shouldn’t. I have pneumonia.”

No one wants to be that person.
SPECIAL DIETARY NEEDS
It makes me think of that ONE runny nosed, scrawny kid in elementary school who has to sit by himself at the lunch table with his soy milk and non peanut butter sandwich. Or that snooty lady at the restaurant who insists on asking the waitress over and over, is this gluten free?

There was an Elder in my mission in Germany that had all kinds of dietary needs. The members didn’t like inviting him over because they didn’t know what to fix for him. I heard rumors that they would just give him boiled potatoes and meat. I feel so sorry for him. You know what they do very well in Germany? BREAD. Brotchen. Hard rolls. Schwartzbrot. And those delicious sauces! Yum. You know those aren’t gluten free.

Welcome to reality. I’m now that person.

They say pregnancy messes with your body. If there was some issue lying dormant…BOOM. It comes out in pregnancy. Mine was this rash. The doctors said it was pregnancy related, so I thought it would go away when I wasn’t pregnant anymore. Not so. So after my second baby was born and I couldn’t stand the itching and the pain, I went to a dermatologist who took biopsies of my skin and declared that I was a celiac and could not eat gluten.

It was like a death sentence. Not eat bread? Or Pasta? Or baked goods? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Needless to say, living gluten free is not a death sentence. It’s an annoyance. There are so many gluten free options, now, and with all the people doing low carb, it’s not even that weird to ask for a hamburger with no bun anymore. Some may even say Gluten free is ‘trendy’. But don’t get me started on which restaurants really stink at the gluten free burger (McDonalds–shredded lettuce with a plain patty on top of it? You call that a lettuce wrap?)

But that being said, parties are hard. I usually wander around the potluck table and think, well, if I pick out the good stuff from that, I could maybe eat it. I could peel off the cheese layer from that pizza, but that’s way too much gluten contamination. Cookies? Out. Cake? Out. Is there a fruit or a vegetable that’s plain? A burger?

Gluten free has come a LONG way in the past 20 years. Menus are marked with the gluten free symbol. Waiters don’t look at you SO much in annoyance when you ask if something is gluten free, or if you can have your burger with no bun. There are better breads and cookies, and you don’t have to go to the health food store to buy them. I can get frozen waffles, pizza crust, even cookies and muffins at my local grocery store. But it’s still more expensive and not as tasty. Let’s me honest.

I had a while there that my symptoms went away after my last child was born, so I went back to eating whatever. But about a year and a half ago, the rash came back, and now it’s non-negotiable. If I eat that half of a cookie, I will suffer. By tomorrow, I will have an exema like rash on my eyelids and face, itchy crap on the elbows, painful water blisters on my butt or knees.

The worst is when people bring treats. On Sunday, our neighbor brought over a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies. That’s so sweet. But it’s not so sweet for me. Because I have no willpower, so when everyone else is eating a cookie (or 5), I ate half a cookie. And there are consequences. Ugh. Excema like rash on my eyelids, painful water blisters on my butt, itchy scabby rash on my elbows. All of it.

I even had a gluten free cookie left in the fridge, but it wasn’t that great, so I ate the homemade cookie. Silly Paige.

When checking on the chickens, I noticed Beyoncegg hanging out in the nesting box. She’s not one to usually go broody, but I figured she was busy with egg laying. When I came back later and checked for eggs, she was still there. I opened the coop door and she was struggling to get out of the box. When she did get out and walk away, I noticed goopy runny egg around her vent. I remembered reading somewhere about eggs that could be broken inside the chicken, and I picked her up and brought her inside.

I put her in the sink and held on to her so she wouldn’t go wildly flapping around and asked Ryan to look up on his phone what we should do with her. “It says take her to the vet.” Are you kidding? I don’t want a huge vet bill so I decided to wash her vent with warm water and see if I could remove any shell with tweezers or fingers. I was able to grab a piece of a rubbery egg shell (the shell doesn’t get hard until right before the egg is laid) and pull it out.

Sometimes things go wrong in the egg laying cycle, and it could be dangerous to the bird if not taken care of. I read up about it here.

Gross, yes. But cheaper than a vet visit.

I did a dove release for another funeral today. Another unexpected death, possibly a suicide, but I don’t know.

After I let the doves go, the funeral director said a few words. He mentioned that there are two times in the Bible. According to the biblical story (Genesis 8:11), a dove was released by Noah after the flood in order to find land; it came back carrying a freshly plucked olive leaf , a sign of life after the Flood and of God’s bringing Noah, his family and the animals to land.

Also, when John the Baptist baptized Jesus Christ in the Jordan River, he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him.

The dove is a symbol for peace, and for coming home. When we release the doves at the gravesite, they circle around a few times, and then they fly home. Hopefully all of them arrive back at their home for their food and shelter before I even get back home.

Just as the dove flies home, so do our spirits go home. Home to our heavenly home.

I appreciated those words that he spoke, and told him so.

I enjoy doing the dove releases. It’s peaceful and beautiful when they fly out of the box and circle around.

What’s not peaceful and beautiful, however, is finding the cemetery and making sure you get there on time. Today’s service was in Eagle Mountain. That’s pretty far out there. I was there a bit early, and it’s a pretty small place, so it was easy to find the grave.
However, a lady was supposed to give me cash or a check for the doves, and no one came up to me to offer me money (sad, right? But usually they pre pay or give me a check there). I texted Pam, the owner of Wings of Love, and asked if she knew who was supposed to pay me. I figured if I just stayed there after the dove release, the person who requested the doves would step forward. Nope. She was stuck at work, and could I meet her at the Maverick gas station. Hmmm. I texted her directly and said, yes, I would meet her at the Maverick gas station. I put Maverick Eagle Mountain into my phone and off I went. But then she called and asked where I was. Seems there are two Mavericks, and I was going to the wrong one. Oh, heavens. She asked where I was, and when I told her, she said, “Pull over. I’ll come find you. I’m in a big grey truck.” I told her what I was driving and said I would wait. I was worried for a little bit, thinking, that it sounded a bit like a set up for murder, but I figured, I would just stay in my car. When the big grey truck pulled up behind me, I had a flash of panic, but it was actually a lady carrying a check. Crisis averted. Pam will get paid, I will get paid, and the doves will fly safely home.

Seeing everyone’s “Me, Too” posts is making me sad and shocked. If you don’t know what that is, it started when Alyssa Milano tweeted “if all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote “Me too” as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.” You can read more here.

I thought through my life and I can’t really say that I have been sexually harassed or assaulted, but then my mind went back to middle school. Oh, the dreaded middle school. Where girls are just starting to experience menstruation and the boys are crude, rude, and crass. When it was “that time of the month”, I lived in fear that my pad would leak and I’d have blood on my pants. After sitting at a desk for 45 minutes or longer, when you stand up, it pretty much feels like a gush of liquid and I was always terrified there would be an accident. Feminine protection has come a long way in 30 years, so I hope that girls don’t have that same terror. If you saw girls with sweatshirts or sweaters tied around their waist, that wasn’t always just a fashion statement. Boys were stupid, and if a girl said something that they perceived as snarky, comments like, “Oh, she’s on the rag,” or similar crass remarks abounded.

The worst experiences were in shop class. Yes, I took metal shop with two of my friends. I think there were 5 girls in that class. Some of my friends loved it. I did not. The boys in that class were jocks and jerks, and none of them friends of mine. It was hard for me to speak up and get a turn using the welder or other tools because the boys just scared me. There was constant talk of sex and lude remarks. I don’t know where the shop teacher was. I tried to laugh it off, but inside I felt like curling up into a ball. Someone started singing, “Come on baby, light my fire,” when they needed a light for a torch or a welder (which seemed to be all the time). I still hate that song. And heaven forbid if I WERE on my period and had to go to shop class. Every comment made me cringe and shirk and feel dirty and helpless.

Was I overreacting? Harmless talk? Maybe. But it wasn’t a locker room, it was a class room, and it was not a safe place for me. I passed that class, but with a C. Because I could never get time on the welder (because I was afraid and intimidated) I ended up making a bunch of twisted wire trees, similar to these.

I don’t know where any of those trees are, now. Probably in my parents’ attic or given away as “gifts”. I’m kind of glad I don’t know where they are, because looking at them would make me feel small.

Women and girls should not have to feel shame because their bodies are performing their functions. Yes, we have ovaries. And Fallopian tubes. Wake up.

Contrast this to right after my mission. I was SO much in missionary mode, but I needed a job, so I signed up with a temp agency. I was sent to work at a cabinet manufacturing facility. I would write labels for the cabinet orders. I don’t know why they didn’t have a computer to do that, but there I was, with a bunch of cabinet makers. I didn’t know anyone, and when in the break room for lunch, there was a lot of foul language. One guy threw around f bombs and other such gems a LOT. I did my best to ignore, but didn’t say anything. I probably cringed, though. I don’t know. After a couple of days, something nasty came out of his mouth, but then he looked at me, and said, “Sorry, I’m trying to quit.” I hadn’t mentioned that his language was offensive to me, but he noticed, and tried to do better when I was around.

I don’t want to minimize other’s experiences with my own, just notice that sexual harassment is prevalent everywhere.

It’s hard to have faith that the Me Too campaign, or something like the #WomenBoycottTwitter movement will make a difference. But maybe they are two very small steps towards a more just future for victims.

If you are a victim of sexual assault, you can visit RAINN or call its hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to receive confidential support from a trained staff member.

It’s been an emotional day for me. After 2 1/2 years of serving the wonderful sisters of my ward, I was released today from the calling of Relief Society President.
Never before have I had a calling where I learned so much, stretched out of my comfort zone so much, and relied on the Lord so much.
I have loved serving these sisters. I have loved the relationships I’ve built and the joy of service. We had a successful Relief Society Retreat 2 weeks ago, and it was a great “last activity” for our presidency.

Yes, It’s had it’s down side (visiting teaching changes, early morning meetings on Sundays when the rest of the family gets to sleep in, and the like), but I can honestly say I’ve loved this calling. I have the absolute best counselors and people working with me, and I feel so very blessed. I’m thankful for the blessings I have received. I feel like I’ve become a more caring, less judgmental person, and I hope that I can keep those qualities as a part of me forever.

I’m not a person who embraces change, especially endings. Once I have people I love in my life I don’t want to let them go.
So, this is a little bit difficult for me to take a step back and trust in the Lord that whatever comes next will also be wonderful. I can still see and visit these sisters that I love.

I am so grateful for the support and love I have received during this time in my life, and for 2 amazing Bishops who have supported and taught me.

Someone asked me what I was going to do with my free time, now that I’ve been released. Free time? I’m sure I’ll fill it with something. But until then, perhaps I should get my office cleaned up. I’ll work on that for my goal for this week.

We recently got the exciting news that we are going to be grandparents! It’s the job we’ve trained all our lives for. Not sure if I should start buying pink things or blue things, but don’t worry, I’ll find the cute tiny things for my future grand baby. The big question is, what do we want to be called? Ryan thinks the standard “Grandpa” is good, but I’m thinking about it.

Dear Blog,
I’m sorry I’ve neglected you for months. I’ve been….

Busy.

So we’ll just nutshell it, shall we?

School year over.
Natalie graduated!
Spring Concert for Bells was AMAZING. Seriously, the best concert we have ever done, which is a good thing, since we will be performing those songs again in California in a month for the National Handbell Convention. Cool, right? They even did a live web broadcast of our concert, which was super cool.

So far this summer Ryan went to Korea for a week, we took the whole clan (minus Megan, who had to work) to St. George, and then we all went to Lagoon for Ryan’s work Lagoon Day.
Whew!

This week has also been busy, but it’s been emotionally draining.
–Ryan left Sunday morning for Serbia. I got to drive him to the airport instead of going to Sacrament meeting and say goodbye.

–John left for scout camp Monday morning. I had to help him find and pack all his stuff and get him over there by 7:30 Monday morning.

Then it was just us girls for the week.

–Thursday was the big goodbye for Kate. It was hard. We cried. I won’t go into that this post, but let’s just say I don’t know if I’m strong enough to say goodbye to any more people in my life.

Sigh. Emotional week. I’m drained.

Today was interesting. Exploring a new city by myself is a bit out of my comfort zone. At least everyone (or nearly everyone) speaks English as I muddle through this adventure. Today was even colder than yesterday, so I had a hard time getting myself motivated to get out of the hotel. It’s not like I have work to go to. And no one would care if I stayed inside and read a book all day, really. But I would know I missed opportunities to see the sights in a new city because I chickened out. So, I walked down to the museum square and by the time I got there I was pretty darn cold. Wishing I had a better scarf, thicker gloves, etc. I was even wearing an ugly black beanie! I passed the museums and found the kiosk for the canal and bus trips, and paid for my 24 hour pass. I enjoyed the canal tour (it was actually warm, which was a big surprise). When we got to the train station, I figured I should get off the boat to see some sights and find a bathroom. Not urgently, just trying to be prepared. First I walked over to the St Nicholas Church to see inside. I was very beautiful, but no picture taking, and no one was speaking, so I didn’t feel comfortable asking for a bathroom. Back to the Train station, where I knew there had to be a bathroom.

But first I was distracted by this guy playing the piano. He’s good! When he was done, he just got up and left.

YouTube Link: *HERE*

I asked at the information desk where the bathroom was, and she told me to go through, and then up the stairs. Ok. So, I went through. I didn’t have a ticket card to tap, but I didn’t think it would matter. Eventually I found the WC upstairs. You have to pay 70 cents before you even go in. Good thing I had some change. After doing my business, I came back down, and people were streaming though the “turnstyles”, all tapping their cards to exit. I had no card. Surely there was a way out for people with no tickets. Hmm. I had to ask someone. “How do I get out?”
“You use your card,” she said.
“I don’t have a card”, I said, “I just came in to use the bathroom.”
“You are not supposed to do that. But I’ll let you you with my card.”
“Thank you.”
I didn’t know!

Anyway. Later tonight, we went to a Chinese restaurant for dinner. I decided to use the bathroom there, since it’s a 20 minute walk back to our hotel. No charge for this one, but there’s a tiny little anti-room with a sink, and then a door to the toilet. But the light in the toilet room doesn’t work, and if I leave the door open, someone could walk in on me. Ack! What is it with me and bathrooms today! So, I got some tp in my hand, backed up to the toilet, and shut and locked the door. Pitch black, but I still managed. Unlocked the door and came out. Whew! By the way, it’s absolutely FREEZING in there. I guess they don’t heat the bathrooms.

So, here’s to another day. Learning new things about Amsterdam, exploring and taking in the beauty of the city, and hoping to always be able to find a bathroom when I need it.