Doomed?

I feel like I’m doomed. Yes, doomed. Doomed to get sick. I feel like no matter what I do to protect myself and my family, there’s no hope and I’m going to get sick. At the very worst possible time, I’m sure. I’m remembering our cruise aboard the Disney Magic when so many people were getting sick from the Norwalk Virus. There were crew members cleaning the ship CONSTANTLY, and we still managed to all get sick. And here I am, armed with my Lysol wipes and my hand washing and my clorox and my vitamins just trying to keep healthy. But I feel like it’s kind of a losing battle, and I should just give up.

When I call the doctor’s office about my kids, they tell me, “Yes, it’s probably H1N1. Good luck.” When I ask about getting tamiflu, or about the possibility of getting vaccinated, they tell me that they are only vaccinating the very youngest kids, and after that only the high risk kids (those with asthma and other immune disorders), and that they are only giving tamiflu to a select demographic as well, and that unless you get it within the first 24 hours of getting sick, it doesn’t help much. Cole, my sickest family member, who was sick for a week, is now fever free and back at school. He’s survived! Megan is also doing well, and will probably go back to school today.

John, who seems absolutely fine in the day, has been crying at night. He just cries and says “OW!”. He’s not awake enough to tell me what’s wrong, and in the morning, when I ask him what hurts, he says nothing hurts and that he’s fine. I’ve kept him home from school and church for three days. When I called the doctor about him, they first said I should test him for strep, but then when they heard that two other members of the family had the swine flu, they said not to bother. He probably had swine flu, too. Well, after three days of this nighttime drama, I’m going to take him in to the doctor today.

Jenna, one of my “healthy kids” has developed a rash on her face, arms and hands. Yes, a rash. At first I thought it was that she had gotten something on her face (she said she ate spaghetti), but by Saturday it was a full blown rash, and so I took her to the doctor. They tested her for strep, just to see if that could be the cause, and I was hoping for strep. Please let it be strep, so that at least I can TREAT it. No strep. Viral. What do I do about it? Not much. No magic cream, no pill, nothing. While she’s most likely not contagious (rashes are usually contagious right BEFORE you break out, by the way), she looks so strange that I’m going to keep her home from school today. And by the way, if you are counting, we’re now into our second week of having someone stay home from school–Cole’s missed four days, Megan’s missed two, John’s missed two, and now Jenna. Natalie is my one hold out.

Oh, and Ryan’s still coughing up gunk.

Yesterday Natalie and I went to church. Where there are usually 7 of us, we had 2. Our neighbor asked me if I had killed off my family yet. Ha.

So, yes, I’m feeling trapped. I feel like no matter how hard I try, how well I clean, how many times I wash my hands or gargle with salt water, I’m doomed to get sick. And I’ll never send all of my kids to school again. Ever. When I was talking to the nurse, she said, “Well, the good thing is you can get all this over with and then everyone will be done with this flu, right?” Oh, right. There’s still a few of us who haven’t been sick and we might go through this whole thing again later. I asked her if, when I make it through this bout with sickness and don’t get it, if I am then immune, since I was exposed to the virus. “Oh, no,” she said, “unless you actually GET the virus, you don’t develop antibodies, so you aren’t immune.” What the what?

But I can’t get sick. I will keep myself healthy by the sheer strength of my will. I do NOT have time to be sick. This week is concert week, and I’ve put in many many hours of rehearsal (months of rehearsal) for this concert this week. I will NOT get sick. No matter what happens to this family of mine. And I will NOT get sick the next week, either. And I won’t get sick when we go on vacation. I will somehow get my hands on that vaccine and I will GET the shot. I will stay healthy. I will make a dress out of curtains if I have to, and I will never go hungry again! Sorry. I just went a little bit Scarlett O’Hara on you. How’s that for resolve?

And speaking of Gone with the Wind, here’s a classic just to make you smile today.