I’m one week past surgery, and darn it all, my leg still hurts. I guess when they tell me that there’s a “two week recovery time”, I shouldn’t just laugh it off and think, “Oh, I’ll be better in a couple of days. It’s just one little vein, after all.” One vein or not, this has been really hard.
For one whole week I’ve been wrangling my lovely compression stockings. They are SO TIGHT. I’m just wearing one leg of the set (well, I’m wearing both of the legs, but only one at a time). They are thigh highs, so I can just wear the stocking on the affected leg and not have to bother with the other leg. They stayed up fine for the first couple of days, but then the big old elastic top started to ‘roll’. And when a really really tight elastic starts to roll, it makes it very very tight, cutting into my leg.
I called my sister for advice. She wears compression stockings every day. Seriously. Every single day. So, I asked her how she keeps them from rolling at the top. She was a little confused, until I told her that they were thigh highs. “Oh, she said, I HATE the thigh highs. I bought a set of thigh highs once and I think I wore them one time. They squoze my thigh so tight, and then my fat poked out on the top. It was like I had two bums!” Now, this is from my sister, who despite being pregnant for the last 13 years of her life (10 kids–really), is as skinny as she was when she got married. If SHE thought she had a muffin top, imagine what I must be going through. Eek. Never mind. Strike that image from your mind.
So, although the compression stockings really do help my leg feel better, I hate the rolling at the top. So, today, I wrestled into my stocking (I’m all sweaty after I get it on. It’s the only workout I’m allowed to do right now, but it is seriously a workout), and then I had the brilliant idea to wear my Spanx power panty OVER the top of the compression stocking. Because it’s all tight and everything and then maybe it will keep the top of the stocking from rolling. And the spanx is actually less tight than the stocking. But so far it’s working. Keeping the stocking from rolling, I mean. But the muffin top that expands over the top of the stocking is getting sucked in by the spanx. That fat has to go somewhere, right? Remember how Rosie put it?
She opened the NBC broadcast cracking about her weight and the seamless girdle called Spanx she was wearing under her black sequined ensemble.
“It’s a onesie for chubby fortysomethings,” O’Donnell quipped. “I’d take a bow, but I can’t.”
So I’ve got a muffin top. In fact, I feel like I’m all muffin today.
And now I’m feeling like I would just love a muffin.