Trapped in this body

I’ve been a person of the overweight persuasion for just about all of my life. I was a chubby kid, then a chunky teenager, and a overweight college student. Having children added more pounds, pushing me from “overweight” to “obese” category on the friendly BMI charts. As I’ve lost and gained weight over the years, I have gotten back to overweight, but never have I been in the “normal” range. I may never get there. And that’s ok.

But that being said, since I’ve spent my life being overweight, there are things I do differently than a normal sized person.
I check to see if I’m the fattest. Yep, I’m checking you out, people. Let’s say we go to a waterpark (oh the horror!). Hundreds of people baring their skin in swimsuits of all sizes. I for one, opt for covering the MOST skin possible, and then wearing a sarong or a skirt or a shirt or any number of things to cover my white fat body until the moment when I actually step INTO the water. But there are a lot of people who are ok with flashing their fat. I’m always amazed to go to a water park and see the choices some larger women make with their swim suits. And there are actually a lot of people there who are fatter than me. It gives me comfort to look around and see that I’m NOT the fattest person there. I think, “well, if they can do it, I can do it,” and then it’s not so bad taking off the cover up and getting into the pool. Disneyland is a GREAT place to see all kinds of very large people. Not that I’m constantly looking at how fat everyone is, I just kind of like to make sure I’m not the fattest. (Fat is not the greatest word. I should try overweight).

That’s why going to a gym is very hard for me. Gyms are very intimidating. You expect to see a bunch of very fit people at the gym, and I don’t really want to be the fattest person there. I did join a gym last year, and it was actually ok. I eventually quit because I couldn’t justify that much money when I only went a couple times a week. Yes, it was SUPER scary to go in there and check it out for the first time, but once I got going, I realized that I am NOT the fattest person there. Most out of shape, maybe. Also, that people don’t really talk to each other at the gym (at least not much). It’s not like on Seinfeld where it’s a pick up place. You go, you put in your headphones, you work out, you leave. I did have a neighbor come up and try to talk to me about how my missionary was doing, and I found it so annoying. I want to be anonymous at the gym, not talk to you about my real life. Can you not see that I’m sweaty and not wearing any makeup? That is a definite sign not to talk to me.

In my head, I’m not nearly as fat. Sometimes I see pictures of me, and I think, “What? Can I REALLY be that fat?” Maybe that’s just an unflattering view, or maybe I really am. I see myself in the mirror and I’m usually looking at my face. Not my butt. But pictures. Ugh. I love/hate pictures.

But I’m working on things. With this healthy challenge, I’ve lost 15 pounds. I had bought two dresses and I like them both. I couldn’t decide which one to send back. I decided to keep them both. They are my reward dresses. I got to wear one yesterday and named it my “I’ve lost 15 pounds dress”. I hope to wear the other one when I’ve lost 25 pounds. Non food rewards.

Even though my body is not the greatest shape and it’s not in the greatest shape, I’m thankful for it. I can do amazing things, and it’s just going to get better. I can dance! I can walk, I can jog, I can ride a bike! I can take care of my family, I can serve others, I can teach, I can make music, I can sing, I can talk, I can hug! So even when I’m not happy with how much body I have, I’m so thankful for the body I have. I’m trying to treat it better, take care of it better, and enjoy it more.