Superpaige's Pad

The Trials of a Busy Mom

Trapped in this body

I’ve been a person of the overweight persuasion for just about all of my life. I was a chubby kid, then a chunky teenager, and a overweight college student. Having children added more pounds, pushing me from “overweight” to “obese” category on the friendly BMI charts. As I’ve lost and gained weight over the years, I have gotten back to overweight, but never have I been in the “normal” range. I may never get there. And that’s ok.

But that being said, since I’ve spent my life being overweight, there are things I do differently than a normal sized person.
I check to see if I’m the fattest. Yep, I’m checking you out, people. Let’s say we go to a waterpark (oh the horror!). Hundreds of people baring their skin in swimsuits of all sizes. I for one, opt for covering the MOST skin possible, and then wearing a sarong or a skirt or a shirt or any number of things to cover my white fat body until the moment when I actually step INTO the water. But there are a lot of people who are ok with flashing their fat. I’m always amazed to go to a water park and see the choices some larger women make with their swim suits. And there are actually a lot of people there who are fatter than me. It gives me comfort to look around and see that I’m NOT the fattest person there. I think, “well, if they can do it, I can do it,” and then it’s not so bad taking off the cover up and getting into the pool. Disneyland is a GREAT place to see all kinds of very large people. Not that I’m constantly looking at how fat everyone is, I just kind of like to make sure I’m not the fattest. (Fat is not the greatest word. I should try overweight).

That’s why going to a gym is very hard for me. Gyms are very intimidating. You expect to see a bunch of very fit people at the gym, and I don’t really want to be the fattest person there. I did join a gym last year, and it was actually ok. I eventually quit because I couldn’t justify that much money when I only went a couple times a week. Yes, it was SUPER scary to go in there and check it out for the first time, but once I got going, I realized that I am NOT the fattest person there. Most out of shape, maybe. Also, that people don’t really talk to each other at the gym (at least not much). It’s not like on Seinfeld where it’s a pick up place. You go, you put in your headphones, you work out, you leave. I did have a neighbor come up and try to talk to me about how my missionary was doing, and I found it so annoying. I want to be anonymous at the gym, not talk to you about my real life. Can you not see that I’m sweaty and not wearing any makeup? That is a definite sign not to talk to me.

In my head, I’m not nearly as fat. Sometimes I see pictures of me, and I think, “What? Can I REALLY be that fat?” Maybe that’s just an unflattering view, or maybe I really am. I see myself in the mirror and I’m usually looking at my face. Not my butt. But pictures. Ugh. I love/hate pictures.

But I’m working on things. With this healthy challenge, I’ve lost 15 pounds. I had bought two dresses and I like them both. I couldn’t decide which one to send back. I decided to keep them both. They are my reward dresses. I got to wear one yesterday and named it my “I’ve lost 15 pounds dress”. I hope to wear the other one when I’ve lost 25 pounds. Non food rewards.

Even though my body is not the greatest shape and it’s not in the greatest shape, I’m thankful for it. I can do amazing things, and it’s just going to get better. I can dance! I can walk, I can jog, I can ride a bike! I can take care of my family, I can serve others, I can teach, I can make music, I can sing, I can talk, I can hug! So even when I’m not happy with how much body I have, I’m so thankful for the body I have. I’m trying to treat it better, take care of it better, and enjoy it more.

4 Comments

  1. Paige…you are awesome. Have I ever mentioned that? Nice job on the 15 lbs. I’ve been trying to get back on the bandwagon since Christmas…no such luck and I have gained 6 of the 18 lbs I had lost since September. Still trying. Keep up the good work and your body will thank you… but if not… You are still awesome.

  2. Hey Paige…first I read your blog and LOVE what your sister said about you when she nominated you for a KSL High Five! You deserve it!! I also want you to know how wonderful I think you are, regardless of what size you are. I don’t even think you know how beautiful you are. Inside and out…I know that sounds cheesy, but really you have no idea how much I look up to you. You are one of the most talented people I know!! You have such a great talent for writing, you know just what to say and how to say it, you support and love everyone, your musical abilities are amazing, and you are just the most friendly person I know. And that is why you have so many friends. It isn’t because of the size of pants you wear..it is because you have a HUGE heart!!! I can only hope to be as amazing as you someday. Please give yourself a big hug from me. I only knew you a short time in bells, but I will always consider you a good friend because of how you treated me and my family. Thank you, you are amazing!

  3. That must be an awesome program you’re on to lose 15 pounds. I’m very proud of you. Maybe I should join it.

  4. Ah, my friend. All of us do these same things, no matter what size we are. Why is this such an issue these days?

    Love this post. Keep it up.

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