Discouraged

I’m having a discouraged day. Don’t fret, these happen every so often. I usually get over it eventually, once I find a way through the cloudyness that fogs my brain and my soul. But right now I feel very weighted down.

My children fight over every little thing, and nothing I do is right, or good enough, or soon enough. I didn’t buy the band book that my daughter needed TODAY, and I didn’t find the band book that I bought last year for my son. I didn’t go to the soccer game last night to support my son. I didn’t let my daughter play with a friend. I didn’t make the right thing for dinner. And the list goes on.

Meanwhile, the dishwasher doesn’t seem to be working. All the dishes come out with, well, with bits of food still on them. My washing machine isn’t agitating. Maybe I should have my kids work on that one, since they seem to have the agitating thing down to a science. My air conditioner isn’t keeping up with the heat, and even though we have nice cool mornings and I don’t even start the air until the afternoon, by 5:00 it’s 85 degrees in the house and I find myself very grumpy. I could call a repair man, but I am just sick at the amount of money that will cost. I’ve spent so much money lately, I just don’t know how we’re ever going to save up for the things we are trying to save for. So I do nothing.

My kids’ rooms and my room are disaster areas. Oh, let’s just be honest and admit that the whole house is a huge mess, shall we? I have these grand dreams of projects that involve painting and taping and curtain sewing and rearranging, but whenever I walk into that area to get started, I just look at the mountain that is before me and I can’t summon up the energy to even start. Or I get sidetracked because I can’t find a tape measure. Or my sewing scissors. Even just cleaning up the boys’ room seems an overwhelming task to me right now. So I avoid those areas and try to read a book.

When there’s a bunch of bananas going brown on my counter, I decide to make banana bread. But it turns out kind of mushy and not quite right. Plus, I tried a “fancy” cranberry orange banana bread, and it seems people around here prefer the normal “Plain” kind of banana bread.

I got a box of apricots from my in-laws so we could make some apricot jam. We love apricot jam. I even got some jars and pectin. But I let the apricots go bad waiting for me to do something with them. The thought of the mess that would make was overwhelming to me and I just let them rot. My husband must have gotten tired of seeing them sitting there in the box, and he threw them away for me. So, at least I don’t have to look at the box of wasted fruit reminding me that I failed.

I have a lesson to prepare, as I teach the young women on Sunday. I haven’t looked at it yet. We also need to plan an activity for the girls to do on Tuesday. How about we come and clean my sons’ room? Or clean out my basement or paint my daughter’s room? Could we count that as service? Well, I would never let them come and see the state of my basement, my sons’ room or daughter’s room, so that’s pretty much out.

I never see my husband, as I’ve had places to go every night shortly after he gets home. And it seems when I do see him, I’m just irritated by every little thing, and so we have nothing to talk about.

I would ask for help if I knew what I needed. I’m trying not to be stuck in my feel sorry for myself funk. I’m out there being busy, really I am. Yesterday I loaded John up in the jogger stroller and we went for a two mile walk. We stopped at a park and he “played” while I “jogged” (using the term very loosely, my friends) around the track. We’re trying to enjoy the simple joys of life. The day before that we went to yoga. But today I just can’t make myself do either of those.

I will get up. I will turn off the computer. I will take a shower and get dressed. I will clean my kitchen. I will run my dishwasher again and hope it will work a bit better. I will fold some laundry. I will vacuum. I will go and buy the band book and the new piano books and try to find the other band book for my kids. Maybe I’ll even get them to them at school by the time they have those classes. I will continue doing what I know I need to be doing. Maybe doing these things and putting my house in order just a little bit will help me find some order in myself.

I hope.